


discord (i'm howling at the moon)

by duaa



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Logan centric angst, guess not :), i thought vent fics were supposed to make you feel slightly better afterwards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duaa/pseuds/duaa
Summary: Logan reflects on his friendships.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Morality | Patton, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Kudos: 40





	discord (i'm howling at the moon)

"May I be excused?" Please, please, it was 9 PM, he _needed_ to get on discord right now, please -

"Yes." 

Logan forced himself to calmly get up, going up the stairs one step at a time. No rush. He didn't have anything important to do, of course not. Once he was in his room, he locked the door. Unlocked it, locked it again. Door, check. He shut his windows, bolted them, drew the curtains. Checked the bolts. Windows, check. He opened the door to his bathroom, lights on. He took off his contacts, setting them by the sink. He put on his glasses. Excuse, check. He'd perfected this seemingly random routine over the years, hiding from his parents. Windows were closed so no one looked into his screen by accident (Freshman year, Jack Rose saw him buying a pride flag), door was shut so no one walked in on him (Middle school, his mom saw him kissing Allen, but he convinced her that they were not kissing), contacts in the washroom so he could say that he was cleaning them when asked about what he was doing (Junior year, his dad asked him what he did holed up in his room the whole day and he panicked and said he was jerking off. Thankfully, his dad had a sense of humour and let it slide). 

He was in several servers, but only three of them mattered to him. One was a server he was making with a complete stranger (questionable, he knows) which he was just realising may not do as well as he had hoped it would. The problem with that server was that he got excited for nothing. He wasn't sure who would join it, or why, all he knew was that he put in _hours_ into that, configuring all sorts of bots - for nothing. He felt... petulant. What kind of a problem was that? 'Oh no, mommy, no one joined my server, boohoo!'? He didn't think about it that often now. 

~~Oh god, it was so embarrassing, jesus fucking christ, it was so, so embarrassing to even think about.~~

The other two servers, they were better (because they didn't stir up such shameful feelings). One had Patton, Virgil and Roman. He'd known them for almost two years now. It sounded extremely sad, but those three were his closest friends. Of course, there were many other people in that server, but most of them were inactive or in different time zones. Patton made that server a few months before Logan joined it, and whilst they didn't know each other in real life; Virgil, Roman and Patton were best of friends. Roman was a mod along with Patton, and they all got along really well. See, Logan knew that Patton was allergic to cats, he knew that Roman always tried out for every single play, he knew that Virgil had general anxiety and a cat. 

He knew that Patton loved all things pastel, Roman loved all things theatre, Virgil loved all things emo (he admired goth from afar). He knew that Patton didn't have a uniform code at school, and he wore a skirt to school on day. He knew that Roman did have a uniform code at school, and he also wore a skirt on the same day. He knew that Virgil didn't wear skirts because he was trans and felt uncomfortable doing so. He knew that Virgil wore a hoodie everyday to school, and one day, Roman and Patton wore one on the hottest day of the year to support Virgil. 

They also knew somethings about Logan. They knew he was listening and reading their conversations. He was the 'ahhh' or the 'what happened?' or the 'hmmm' guy. Occasionally the 'lmaoo' guy. Perhaps even the 'jfc' guy. Sure, he talked. Until one day he didn't. He'd considered himself to be one of their friends, too. Except this one time, someone (yeehawlad#1082) left the server. When yeehawlad#1082 came back, Patton, Virgil and Roman all replied with various variants of 'aww I missed you, welcome back'. This had Logan reeling. 

Logan generally liked questions. With questions came answers, and he liked knowledge. He was fine being questioned, too. However, there were quite a few questions he was terrified of. What was at the bottom of the ocean? What was at the bottom of Mariana's Trench? What was beyond their galaxy? What was on Pluto? Of course, there was also the 'why are your grades slipping?' The dreaded 'why aren't you eating'? 'What's on your computer?' 

The worst one was a question he asked himself. The one accompanied with a pause, a break. A shuddering sigh. A swallow. The intense need to be anywhere but there, to do anything but that. 

_'What am I doing?'_

The intense shame, guilt, embarrassment. The discomfort, the burning sensa -

Then, there was the other server. He'd only been there for about a year. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He talked to Remus, Janus and sometimes Thomas. They all met through this server. He so, so desperately wanted to talk to Janus outside of the server. Without being lost in the sea of responses and similar compliments. But he knew that he most certainly did not matter to them. Not as much as they did to him, anyway. Every time he tried to type something that wasn't a reply to someone else, he hesitated. Either he hit enter and deleted the message in record time, or he saved himself the trouble and just hit backspace. Waited for a few seconds to make sure that the dots weren't showing up. Then he switched over to another tab, another channel, anything to get away. 

Right now, no one was online. Virgil was on DND. Janus was playing Minecraft. Remus was playing Sims 4. Thomas still hadn't accepted his friend request. 

"Logan, honey, can you come and help me?" His mom yelled, and his heart raced. Command + Q. Control. He tossed his laptop on the bed and pulled his duvet over it for good measure. "Logan!" 

"Coming!" He raced downstairs, relaxing internally when he saw his mom was removing groceries. "Let me get that." He quickly looked at the bags. If he lugged one bag to the pantry, maybe he wouldn't have to talk to his mom at all. 

"Your dad's in the back, um, why don't you just put everything on the table?" He nodded, dumping pineapples and batteries as his mom sorted through them all. They worked in silence that wasn't bound to last. 

"So, what were you doing?"

"Just going through what we did in chemistry yesterday." 

"Hmm. How's Valerie? Do we -"

"Uh, I'm thinking of breaking it off. For now. Like, ending it." His mom thought he was dating Valerie. One time, he made the mistake of looking at a meme Janus sent in that server on his phone. In front of his mom. She demanded to know what was making him laugh. He made up a tale about a girl he liked - he figured, why not kill two birds with one stone? Every now and then, he made up a fake girlfriend, to placate his parents. He tried many things before deciding on just making things up. When he said he was too focused on his studies, or when he said no one liked him - his parents tried to set him up with someone. Which was just what he needed, more people to have dry conversations with. 

"Oh no! Why?"

"We're just not a good fit." or 'She likes someone else.' or 'Her parents don't want her to date anyone.' or ' She doesn't want a family and I do.' - the usual utter bullcrap. He wore black or dark blue t-shirts and jeans. He wore a normal watch and random shoes. He wore contacts. He didn't look like a Sim when you randomised it, he looked like the basic Sim you started off with. The fact that his parents thought that people (forget girls) _liked_ him was atrocious. Especially when they most certainly did not. 

"Aw. I think that's all the groceries, right?"

"Yeah." He placed the bags where they belonged, going back to his room and laptop now. 

"Wait, Logan, don't forget your shampoo!" He picked it up. 'Hair-fall protect'. Was it weird that he used the same shampoo as his mom?

_'What am I doing?'_

**Author's Note:**

> lmk if you see a typo!  
> hope you like it ❤️💕


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